Maybe I should re-think the way I come at this issue. I tend to be very blunt.
I posted last month that my husband and I had serious martial problems and we separated for several weeks. We are now working at reconciling and some of my radical unschooling ideals have been seriously challenged.
I thin I made some big mistakes. This is hard to admit. I have an ideal that I honestly believe in and I think that trying to reach that ideal undermined the relationship with my husband.
I do not believe in “bedtmes”. As a result my husband would go to be to get up early for work and the kids and I would be up late.. having fun.. sleeping in. And I had no alone time with my partner. When the kids are awake they like to be around us- .. well maybe not the older one but my son gravitates to us and this is normal and I don’t’want to stop that.
Just before mys on was born we also got into the habit of sleeping in different rooms, This I have to say is a relationship KILLER! I am not talking about sex- although sleeping in another room does lessen opportunity, we totally lost intimacy. The kids of intimacy your get at 2am when you talk about your dreams, fears and share secrets with some one you trust totally.
You cant schedule these kind of moment = they just happen. Yes they can happen when you are dong dishes or playing a board game but more often than not they happen lat at night or early in the morning when your guard is down and you feel safe from the world in your bed.
I think if I were to do it again i would have found a way for us to stay in the same room. My husband has major sleep issues- he is a VERY light sleeper and I am not. I thrash and kick and get up often and this was a big problem for us. In hindsight maybe two beds pushed together would have been the way to go.
It became very easy to live in separate rooms and led in some way to separate lives. I know I am not the only homeschooling mom this has happened to=- I have met MANY who confess to same issues and they have also lost intimacy and even physical relationship with their partners.
There is a lack of balance – where the mothering roll take over the wife/woman role and I think it tears away at fabric of marriage which ultimately is really bad for kids.
Some things i would do differently:
The family bed is wonderful but I forgot that it only works when it works for everyone. If husband is sleeping in a different room for 5 years maybe time to re-think or adjust, Get more beds. bigger beds, etc or *gulp* try and get kids sleeping in own room.
What we have been doing now is letting son fall asleep in our bed ( which used to be called my bed) and moving him to his own room. He has been fin with this and come in in early morning couple of times and this is no problem for us.
The other extreme where the bedroom is off limits to kids, locks on doors, etc is not for me at all. So trying to find a happy medium.
I am also looking at the concept of “bedtime” which I have been staunchly against as radical unschooler. What I should say is I need to wind down and stop being on duty at some point. I get tired of being “mom” around 10 o’clock and need to let my mind rest. I need to not hear lots of questions and need to some time to regroup and look after myself and eegads- my husband! I want to watch shows with adult language and content. I want to read more than page of a book/ I want my body to myself.
I get really really cranky driving everyone around, feeding kids. remembering stuff for them, etc and want to go on standby at some point- like call me of there if a fever or blood.
hey *I* need a bedtime. My daughter is fine and can look look after herself, etc. But mys son is younger so really I will operate best if I can have him asleep for a couple of hours before I crash.
This has been hard for me to admit to myself.
I have this ideal in my mind and I am constantly failing and that is helping no one.